This Is Poverty.com - 23 Feb 05

23 Feb 05
Ethnocraphic Study Of The Hoodie Wearer
Tobias

Over the last few years, possibly with the emergence of "street culture," I've noticed a trend developing among my fellow teenagers - the trend of the "hoodie." Indeed, every acne-covered man and his spiky-haired dog appear to be wearing these hoodies, and every single one of them is, apparently, stupid. It takes a special kind of person to wear a hoodie. The kind of person who would listen to 50 Cent, who pretends to smoke at age 12, who gets their ear pierced (but only on the left side - the right side is for fags!). I don't think it's a stretch to say that the wearers of hoodies are, in fact, the scum of teenage society.

Now, before I continue, I'd just like to say that I doubt I will actually offend anyone in this article. I mean, it's not like people who wear hoodies can read anyway. "But dog," you say, "I can so read." This may be the case! At least, you can read until you notice something else, such as a moving picture in your television. Then, when you realise you're an idiot, you can blame the media. If you're wearing a hoodie, see if you can get through this entire article in one sitting, assuming Jay Lagaia of Street Legal fame doesn't arrest you first. It's a challenging challenge for the challenged!

My aim in this article is to describe the average wearer of a hoodie. I will go over other clothing and accessories most commonly associated with hoodie wearers, as well as their tastes in literature, music, art and dance. I hope to give my readers insight and knowledge into just what forms the basis of the primitive minds of these streetwise young vagabonds.

First, and most obviously, is the hoodie itself. It is usually made of an unreasonably soft cotton-based material - in stark contrast to the wearer's hard or "bitchin'" image - and comes in a variety of colours. The colours often depend on what tribe (or "gang") the wearer is associated with, including but not limited to the "bloods," the "crips" and "the Deceptikonz." The colour of choice ranges from baby blue to white, and the hoodie often sports a graffiti decal, making it appear that the wearer either tagged (Chinese for "signature") themselves, or one of their "totally rad" friends "bombed" it for them. These tagging decals are indicative of a hoodie wearer's manliness or "nonu beju" - the more incomprehensible, the higher a wearer ranks in his tribe. There is stiff competition within tribes, which can have deadly consequences. We still miss you, Biggie.

Hoodie wearers, much like magpies, are attracted to shiny objects. It should be of little surprise, then, that they surround themselves with such glittering treasures as much as possible. Up until the revolutionary scientific advances of 1999, the only way to attain such shininess was through garish jewellery ("bling bling"), a now-irrelevant tradition which some hoodie wearers still uphold. However, six years ago an event which some call "the Shining" occurred, where a team of scientists developed jeans which not only stay suitably low and have numerous pockets, but are in fact shiny for roughly no reason. It has been said that male members of the tribe will use their shiny jeans to attract a potential mate - a subject I will touch upon later. The "Shining" was actually the inspiration for the classic Stephen King novel of the same name.

Jeans themselves are highly important to a hoodie wearer - almost as important as the hoodie itself. Not only must they be worn as low as decently possible, but they must also be of a respected brand. It is also of utmost importance that a hoodie wearer keeps their wallet fastened to their jeans by means of a chain at all times. A hideously impractical belt is optional, but does add a level of respect among the tribe, even though there appears to be no use for one at all.

Other common fashion accessories include caps, preferably tilted, "doo rags" (a form of tribal marking), and Mike Whitney. The more of these a wearer has, the more respect he commands.
The arts are important to a hoodie wearer. They must conform to a strict set of norms, or risk exile and ridicule from their fellow tribe members. Music is especially important to these people, as it can be viewed as defining just what it is that hoodie wearers believe life is about. Indeed, hard-hitting street poet 50 Cent once stated "I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P." As hoodie wearers can't spell, they did not actually realise what the song was about, but they identified with the word "fuck." Many see 50 Cent as being somewhat of a prophet, or a saviour for these young hoodrats. He brings promise of a true education through his song "Stunt 101," where he promises to teach his people how to "stunt," in a rudimentary first-year university course. However, as all hoodie wearers are sixteen and dropped out of school in fourth form, they are not eligible for university entrance. Was 50 Cent's prophecy a ruse? Some say it was, but this is an issue which remains unresolved.

The hoodie wearer is also a connisseur of their own brand of visual art. Their distinctive "tagging" style has been seen by some critics as a response to the cubism of Picasso and Braque in the early 20th Century, but with a slightly less French and more streetwise urban edge to it. Tagging involves poorly scrawling various words or phrases onto public buildings and signs, usually with a spray paint can. Due to the illiteracy of hoodie wearers, the "tags" are usually common phrases that hoodie wearers often see on the street, and thus emulate in their tags, such as "Pak 'N' Save," and "Mrs Christmas." Tags are seen as a mark of tribal territory, and are a way for a hoodie wearer to convey his prominence in the gritty urban world. Indeed, premier hoodie wearer "$10 Text" once conquered the entire central Christchurch area - only to have his territorial markings foiled by irate public building owners.

Hoodie wearers also have their own mating rituals, with which they aim to woo the opposite sex. Male hoodie wearers will often attempt to impress females with their shiny jewellery and pants, or alternatively, their "tricked out" 1987 Mitsubishi Mirage. It is a scientific empirical fact that females are attracted to poorly constructed matte black spoilers on old Japanese hatchbacks - a female in heat will find it difficult to resist! Females will use different techniques for finding a mate, usually revolving around personal appearance. Indeed, a male hoodie wearer finds nothing more alluring than a girl with poorly bleached hair, tied back as tightly as possible, accompanied by a heavily made up face (with close attention paid to eye make-up) and large hoop earrings. Mating is an important part of hoodie culture, where it is normal for a couple to breed much earlier than it is in the Western world - where we typically have offspring in our early 30s, hoodie wearers will have children in the late teens. This is to maximise the child-rearing potential across a hoodie wearer's lifespan, in order to boost population levels.

I shall now conclude my ethnographic study on the wearers of hoodies. I hope you all learnt something in the course of this article, and that it broadened your horizons. If you are a hoodie reader currently still reading, I congratulate you, and I hope you amount to something more than a builder or mechanic in the future. May you travel well!

article archives