02 Mar 05
Battle Of Hot: Chrisco Woman vs. Mrs Christmas
Dean
There are age-old
questions man has sought the answer to for generations. Why is the sky
blue? Is there a cure for the common cold? What happens when the new car
number plates get up to FUK? And immediately following Christmas 2004,
a new question was thrust into the New Zealand national consciousness
harder than Michael Jackson’s penis being thrust into Macauly Culkin.
This question was as follows:
Who is hotter? Mrs Christmas, or that woman off the Chrisco ads?
It is the culture of 14-year-old boys to ask their friends who is the
hotter of two given females. In my time, it was a question of Britney
Spears vs. Anna Kournikova. Oh, how times change. In sophisticated 2005,
the old 2000 question has become redundant. Nowadays Britney gives me
the impression I’d get a horrifying yeast infection if I stood within
10 feet of her, and Anna Kournikova has just sort of vanished off the
face of the earth in a manner similar to that of TV show “Going
Straight”, in which contestants must excitingly “go straight”,
in order to win prizes!
So who are the two women mulled and obsessed over by today’s teenage
boys? No contest – it’s Mrs Christmas and that woman from
Chrisco. It all started when one day, I was watching late night reruns
of Australian Gladiators with my brother. An ad for Mrs Christmas came
on.
“Do you reckon she’s hotter than that Chrisco woman?”
I asked.
“What? That’s sick, you freak!” recanted my brother.
Then, after a long pause, he said, “Yes.”
I agreed. That night, I had arousing dreams of Mrs Christmas performing
spectacular BMZ stunt maneuvers whilst topless. I awoke sweating and panicked,
but strangely refreshed, almost as if in the glow of new love. I immediately
asked one of my friends which of the two “Hamper Queens” was
hottest. In an instant, he snapped back with, “Mrs Christmas”.
Clearly the gentle Mrs Christmas was the more appealing of the two. Because
I hang around in the bushes outside boys’ schools so often, I was
able to overhear many of the schoolboys asking one another who was hottest,
and the unanimous favourite was Mrs Christmas. With my sharp journalistic
mind, I began asking myself why Mrs Christmas was so favoured.
I approached two boys after school one day to ask them why they felt the
way they did. Sadly, a teacher reported me in to the police and I was
forced to flee, having already been warned once to stay away from the
kids. I instead turned to others to obtain the information I needed. I
asked sex therapist Dr. Robert McIdontexist what he made of the issue:
“Mrs Christmas has the gentler, more maternal appeal for males young
and old alike. In addition, the fact that her Christmas hamper business
is so clearly a halfassed rip-off of Chrisco is somewhat endearing in
its clumsiness. Viewers feel somewhat sorry for Mrs. Christmas, the low
quality of her ads - specifically the part where the boom microphone is
visible above her head - and her emotional plea for viewers to call, and
her statement that she is “waiting” for the call. Modern Kiwi
males want a woman they can protect and look after, and Mrs Christmas’s
ads and demeanour are so pathetic they almost invite deep-rooted erotic
attraction.”
“But Doc, what about the Chrisco woman?” I asked. “Mrs
Christmas is the clear leader in terms of preference, but the Chrisco
woman has her small but vocal share of admirers.”
“The Chrisco woman? Oh yeah, what the hell is she anyway? Is she
meant to be Mrs. Claus?”
“Yeah, I think she’s meant to be Santa’s wife. They
don’t really make it all that clear. She has all these magical powers
and shit, like she waves her hand and this hamper appears, and all these
little magic sparkly sprinkles come out.”
“OK, now Mrs. Claus, she has an appeal all of her own. She has larger
amounts of testosterone than Mrs Christmas, as evidenced by her strong
jaw and deep voice, and she also has a certain take-charge attitude. The
boys that prefer her are probably secretly gay. She also has certain other
attributes. Her ad seems of a somewhat higher quality, and as I mentioned,
she appears to have magic powers, which to the viewer, possibly translate
as magical “sex” powers. Also, she has a cool theme song playing
in the background, and the ad also features a laughing old man putting
on a party hat, which has long been regarded as a subconscious sexual
trigger in young males.”
“That explains why I keep getting erections at my Grandad’s
birthday parties!”
“However, the Chrisco woman also has strikes against her, namely
the fact that she’s horribly ugly and looks like a man.”
“OK, thanks, Doc. And, as a final question, do you subscribe to
a hamper at all?”
“No way! You’d have to be crazy to subscribe to a hamper!
They charge you $5 a week so they can save up FOR you and buy you food?
If you had any fucking brains at all you’d just put $5 in a jar
every week. People who get Christmas hampers should be shot dead in the
street like rabid dogs.”
The interview took a nasty turn at this stage, but I already had the information
I sought. The reason males prefer Mrs Christmas is due mainly to the fact
that the Chrisco woman is so god damn hideous.
While the Chrisco woman’s invitation of “Gather round the
hamper/Scamper, scamper, scamper” was almost too tempting, I decided
to stick with my guns and subscribe to Mrs Christmas’s hamper…
because she’d already subscribed to the hamper of my heart
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