16 Mar 05
The 'This Is Poverty' Guide To University Life
Tobias
Recently, as
we at the This is Poverty Offices were informed, there has been an influx
of new students to the University of Canterbury. As I was new to the university
just a year ago, I know how hard it is to be starting out in this huge
intellectual battlefield. Although those of you first-years who haven't
died yet will be into your fourth week of studies by now, there may be
some things you missed out on. So if you're looking to improve your social
life, make friends, or just get some of the hottest tips from one of today’s
hottest students, read on!
Your social life at university, as we're all constantly reminded, is of
equal importance to your academic life. Indeed, it is vitally important
that you not only go out and drink copious amounts of alcohol as your
primary social activity, but that you also talk about drinking alcohol
to everyone else all the time. It's also a good idea to then send letters
into Canta whining about the lack of alcohol ads. You see, as a student,
your life is all about drinking. If you're a girl, I think it's especially
important that you talk about drinking (beer, in particular) in a brief
tirade of "girls can do it too!" empowerment.
When studying though, it is never a good idea to get drunk. Unless you're
really hardcore, that is. Instead, why not arrange to meet up with all
your hideous friends, at one of the many cafeterias around campus? My
personal favourite place to eat while taking a break from my studies is
the UCSA main cafe, where you can purchase supremely nutritious wedges
for low, low prices. Make sure not to interrupt the gossip of the cafe
ladies though, as what they are discussing is pretty much always of utmost
importance. In their frustration of actually having to serve somebody,
you may get a less than generous helping of sour cream with your wedges.
Not much sour cream, but a whole lot of sour grapes. And that's not good
in anyone's books.
Other great places to meet your friends include the very middle of the
bridge just outside of the UCSA building, and various doorways. These
are popular places to chat though, so be sure to get in quick!
University can be a cold and lonely place, but if you're all alone, fear
not, because making friends around university is always very easy. Even
if, like me, you are socially awkward, you'll never fail to make friends
with such great icebreakers as "I like your t-shirt, Tool are a really
great band" and "Rhys from Home and Away is the most handsome
man alive." On the offchance that these lines don't work, you might
be lucky enough to know people from high school in some of your classes.
Regardless of whether you talked to them all through school or not, these
people will mysteriously become your best friends as soon as you enrol
in university. To this day, nothing warms my heart quite like walking
to class and seeing some guy who I vaguely recognise walking past. We
will exchange nods, and the occasional "how's it going" before
wandering off, desperately trying to remember how we know each other.
It's a thing we have.
With all this totally rad socialising going on, don't lose track of the
reason you're at university in the first place: to learn. It is always
important that you show up to your lectures on time, but it's also acceptable
to be "fashionably late." You'll be the coolest kid in class
when, in the middle of a lecturer's sentence, you burst into the room
with a flustered grin on your face and quickly walk all the way up the
lecture room steps to the very back row, where you can sit chatting with
your friends for the rest of your class. It's not important at all what
happens in the lecture, because I'm sure you can just get all the notes
from the internet anyway. Lecturers themselves appear to come in a number
of different varieties, some of which I will detail below:
The Half-Dead Veteran. This wisened old character has done lectures
for this class a thousand times before, and at this point doesn't even
need notes or one of those damn fancy computers with their slideshow programs.
Instead, he will stand at the front of the class, monotonously reciting
the same thing he's been saying for the last several hundred years without
actually acknowledging the presence of the class. He will continue talking
until either everyone begins packing up, or he dies.
The Utterly Insane Woman. Possibly the least reliable
of all the lecturers, the Utterly Insane Woman will frequently giggle
and drop her notes in class. Her lecture notes will make no sense, contain
approximately four typos per sentence, and be of absolutely no use to
anyone at all. She will rarely arrive on time, and when she does eventually
make it to her class, she will spend at least five minutes trying to turn
on her microphone or log in to the computer. She is a fantastic example
for the "learn from textbooks" school of thought.
The Nervous, Ill-Prepared Guy. These lecturers are generally
found in the more obscure classes, probably because they generally have
no idea what is going on. Quite often they will only have one point to
make, which would be adequately explained in around five minutes. Of course,
in order to get paid, the Nervous, Ill-Prepared Guy will spend at least
an hour explaining a simple concept in the most convoluted fashion imaginable.
These lectures will leave you feeling soulless and empty.
Come exam time, you may find yourself the victim of high stress and anxiety
levels. This is totally unneccesary, because you're probably going to
fail anyway. It's always a good idea to remember all the assignments you
did during the year, because there is always at least one question in
the exam which either relates to, or is exactly the same as your assignment
questions. If you're an arts major, and you haven't done any study - fear
not! Writing about oppression of women/races/homosexuals is always a great
way to rack up the marks, especially if you can do it in an eloquent style
and can remember all the "buzz words" your lecturers will have
been spouting off all semester.
It's kind of strange, how Marquis Condoms is sponsored by a group of cheerleaders
called the Breaker Girls. I mean, it's not exactly the ideal sponsorship
name tie-in. I'm surprised nobody picked up on that. And has anyone noticed
that the special effects that made the Matrix so “groundbreaking”
were used two years prior in a god damn COOLIO video? Jesus Christ.
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