This Is Poverty.com - 23 Mar 05

23 Mar 05
A Very 'Cool' Article! - Puns Used In 'Batman and Robin'
Dean

Alarming Fact Alert:

• 70% of all pornography ends up in the hands of children!

• In one year, a car can produce 4 times its on weight in carbon dioxide!

• The film Batman and Robin is about the worst piece of rancid shit ever made!

• In Batman and Robin, Mr Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has a total screentime of 19 minutes 28 seconds.

• The movie is 1 hour and 54 minutes long, meaning that Mr Freeze occupies roughly a sixth of the film.

• Mr. Freeze makes 35 cold-related puns in total, which means that on average he makes a cold-related pun every 30 seconds while he’s onscreen.

• 23 ice-puns are made by non-Mr Freeze characters. Thus, there are a total of 58 ice-puns in the entire film, which means there is one ice-pun made every two minutes!

As you may realise, I have devoted far too much time and energy into researching the nature of ice-related punnery in Batman and Robin. I think there are people who’ve put less effort into inventing electricity than I’ve put into Batman and Robin. Most disturbing is that I watched the film 3 consecutive times in order to get the information above. Yes, I flushed 6 hours of my life down the drain thanks to this movie – and once those 6 hours had been flushed, they were then raped in the eye-sockets by fetid sewer rats. That’s how shitty this movie is. Even sadder, I did all this on a Friday night, a night most “hot” teens reserve for partying, binge-drinking, sniffing cocaine off of hookers’ tits, doing hit-and-runs on Thai students, etc.

The ordeal rendered me bitter (with the kind of bitterness only the sight of Chris O’Donnell in a sexy rubber tunic complete with Bat-nipples can bring). The sadist in me demands that I share the worst of these horrific puns with all 2 of my loyal readers, so that you may be lucky enough to avoid using them in the future when confronted with ice-related dilemmas…

“You’re not sending me to the cooler!” – a tried-and-true classic, which I use in everyday life, normally after being cornered by the police after committing brutal snow crimes. The arresting officers ALWAYS let me off with a warning, because I’m simply so funny!

“In this universe there is only one absolute! Everything freezes!” - what? Heaps of things can’t freeze, such as fire. If there were any impressionable kids in the audience who hadn’t clawed their own eyes out by this point in the movie (about 4 minutes into it), they would be led astray by this faux-scientific claim!

“What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!” – Freeze yells this immediately before freezing a museum dinosaur with his freeze cannon. Aside from the small fact that dinosaurs were long gone before there was even anything close to an ice age, this pun is amazingly accurate in every way!

“Can you be cold, Batman?” – has an edgy double-meaning. He means cold in both the sense of the temperature being cold, and in the sense that Batman must be “cold” emotionally in order to trap Freeze! Not only hilarious, but disturbingly frank!

“Very niiiiiiiice” – I had to send out a search party after he said this, because my sides totally SPLIT!

“Chill… Chill… Kill!” – I don’t think this makes sense on any level. Just because chill rhymes with kill it’s a pun? Maybe on Planet Imakeshitpuns, but not on Earth, you loser.

“Cool party!” – hilarious and totally unexpected! Freeze crashes a party and then yells this! I certainly wasn’t expecting him to say “cool” at any stage in relation to something he deemed “cool”!

“It’s a cold town!” – he yells this when he’s about to freeze Batman. This pun makes even less sense than that ad where those angels are in heaven eating sweet chili Philly and giggle about broken tables. Seriously, what the hell is that ad supposed to mean?

“Allow me to break the ice!” – no, no, Mr. Freeze - allow ME to break the ice… by CRACKING UP with laughter!

“If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest!” – this took me about 5 rewinds to understand. Imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger slurring his way through that line, and you might understand some of my confusion. It doesn’t help that they computer-enhanced his voice to make his every word sound like the haunting cry of a whale being kicked in the balls.

“Let’s kick some ice!” – I always say this to myself when I’m in a fight against magical living snowmen. Which is, I must admit, not very often.

“Welcome home, frost face!” – a pun only in that “frost” and “face” both start with an “f”. For this reason, this pun is demoted from “hilarious!” to “mildly funny at best”.

“Hey, icehead!” – gave me unpleasant flashbacks to primary school, when ragtag bullies mocked me for coming to school with my head made out of ice that one day.

“An entICEing offer!” – exposure to this pun has been found by Yellow Ribbon to be the #1 cause for teen suicide. I did not succumb, but I know that at least a small portion of my brain hung itself, so do not think I escaped unscathed.

“Hey, Freeze – the heat is ON!” – said by Batman prior to doing something to Mr. Freeze, possibly putting heat on him, I’m not sure, I was really tuned out by this part of the movie.

And here is a triple-whammy of screenwriting idiocy – an exchange between Batman, Robin and Batgirl:

Robin: “No sign of the snowman!”
Batgirl: “Maybe he melted!”
Batman: “No, he’s just hibernating!”

I think Oscar-winning screenwriter Akiva Goldsman is getting a little confused between snowmen and bears. And who can really blame him? The similarities are numerous. They’re both big and brown and hairy, they both hunt for fish in rivers, and they both are very entertaining when chained up and forced to dance for tourists. And yes, the man who wrote that dogshit above has an Oscar. All I have for sitting through this movie is a brain tumor caused by excessive exposure to FUCKING SHIT. Where’s the justice in that?

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