This Is Poverty.com - 20 Apr 05

20 Apr 05
The 'This Is Poverty' Guide To Survival
Cam

Everything they didn’t teach you in high school – And probably shouldn’t have if they did.

Stuck in a real life situation you wish there was a simple way out of?

For example, one afternoon I was talking to my retarded neighbour Nelly, who means the best, and she asked me if I had a job. I replied, "Yes", further telling her that I worked at a local pharmacy. This would be normal enough, except that upon my revelation that I worked in a pharmacy she said, "Oh, you want to be a farmer when you grow up?” Confused and upset by what I had just heard, I shouted - as to bewilder said Nelly, "I SHOULD GO, DINNER IS READY.” And quickly strode off.
And, luckily for me, Nelly is far too retarded to realize that it was at that time 3pm, and dinner was by no means ready for consumption.

Although I managed to escape the situation this time it got me thinking, what do I do if it happens again? What if I am approached while shopping for the latest 'Boyzone' release at my local record store, and the simple quip "dinner is ready" cannot be my saviour? The answer lies in this - "I NEED MY INSULIN". When shouted, it provides you with endless options for escape as you presumably hurry away to inject your precious, precious life saving insulin.

Ever been caught visiting web pages that you shouldn’t?

As anyone with unlimited access to the ‘World Wide Internet’ will tell you – There are numerous saucy websites for one to get, like a small boy doing up his shoelaces, caught amongst. And, as someone with unlimited access to the ‘World Wide Internet’, I have been guilty of such Internet fare.
Incident 1: Getting caught downloading a sexy song, in this case Ricky Martins’ ‘She Bangs’, from a cyber music database.

Remedy: Claim that you never liked such a song in the first place, and that you were only doing research. Trying to decide wether she does, as the song purports, actually bang.
Extra Credit: You may wish to temporarily confuse your accuser by asking, “Do you agree that in the Ricky Martin song ‘She Bangs’, that she does actually bang?”

Authors Note: This actually happened to me. I maintain to this day that I never did download ‘She Bangs.’ Besides, if I was going to download a Ricky Martin track it would obviously be ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca.’ Despite not knowing its true English meaning, I feel that I truly am, living La Vida Loca.

What do you do when asked why the hell you wanted to go to University to get a worthless degree?

Obviously many University degrees are designed to give you maximum skills for setting out into your specialised field i.e. L.L.B.. Some degrees mind you, don’t seem to have a specific purpose other than to waste a whole lot of time, money, and effort i.e. B.A.. And when completing one of these so called ‘Bugger All’ degrees, one is often posed the question, “Why did you even come to university in the first place?”

Although everyone always knew that the answer was “To Graduate”, not everyone knew the actual reason why one would want to reach such a graduation. It is not so that you have a fancy certificate, but rather so that you may dress up in a fancy black cape.

So when asked, “Why did you come to University?” simply reply, “For the capes!”

For extra hilarity: Upon exclaiming “For the capes!” you may choose to clutch both sides of said cape, in a pincer like grip, and flap your new ‘wings’ whilst flailing around the room – Creating a clever bat façade. That is of course, unless you are Bruce Wayne. Such a display of agile bat-like manoeuvres may tip off ‘Knox’ to your true ‘Bat-identity.’

I think my girlfriend is pregnant, how do I tell for sure?

There is a certain camp that thinks that a doctor, or medical pregnancy test is the best way to check this. And while they may be more than right, doctors and such pregnancy test kits are expensive and time consuming. We here at ‘This Is Poverty’ have created a helpful pregnancy survey to help you tell for sure - All of which can be done from the relative comfort of your very own lecture theatre.

Much like a ‘Which character from ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’ are you?’ survey in a ‘Cleo’ magazine, the following questions are highly inaccurate, poorly written and irrespective of ace or race.

1) Is your girlfriend wearing white pants, named ‘Sáde’ and/or wearing heavy black make-up around her eyes?

2) Does your girlfriend have a tendency towards eating large buckets of coal?

3) Does she appear to be developing a beer gut, despite only drinking wine since the time like you were at like Hayden’s house and Corey and Charl like started tipping beer all over like Muzza’s sistah like?

4) Is she constantly throwing up in the morning? – Even before she has breakfast?

5) Has she recently started reading… A baby names book?

If the answer to any of these questions is ‘Yes’ then pregnancy is a definite. And regarding the baby names – Even though you may like James Bond, do not call your child ‘Pierce’. Unless of course you girlfriend is ‘Mothra’ and she gives birth to a 50-foot tall fighting robot, with low-tech piercing powers.

I hope you found these pointers to be helpful. And if you didn’t, good luck, chances are you’ll probably go a long way.

And if your name is ‘Molly’, then cut your hair, it looks disgusting.

Oh, and remember, ‘Flashbacks’ is on C4 at 8:30pm tonight. Don’t miss it.

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