This Is Poverty.com - 27 Apr 05

27 Apr 05
Nightmare: The Board Game
Tobias

As a child, there was nothing more terrifying than me than the ghoulish VHS board game "Nightmare." Moving a little piece of coloured plastic around a stupid looking board while an obnoxious "gatekeeper" in my television screamed at me sent chills down my spine, and yet it intrigued me beyond words. Nightmare is possibly responsible for my loss of innocence, where I realised the world wasn't all peachy keen, and all too often does the zombie Baron Samedi seem to fall into black holes for some reason. It defined me, and shaped the way I am today. But like an unwanted child, I abandoned Nightmare as I grew older for more adventurous stunts such as "The Game of Life" and "Taboo," in which participants must excitingly perform taboo acts for special prizes! Of course, I always won "Taboo" by playing the "coat-hanger abortion" card, which is like three times more powerful than supporting Hitler. God, I ruled.

Given my tumultuous history with Nightmare, you can imagine the joy I felt in my heart when one day I happened upon a copy of the game in a friendly neighbourhood garage sale. The woman selling it to me seemed nice, a little too nice, but all too wary of the terror contained within the cheap cardboard box. I could see that the game had gotten to her, too, and she would never be the same for it. Indeed, she seemed to be all too happy to be getting rid of the game - it was only a dollar, and in perfect condition! A steal, by anyone's standards. So, I quickly snapped it up and rushed it home.

The manual to the Nightmare demands that I create a perfect "Atmosfear" in my home before I play, so my girlfriend and I dressed up entirely in black , lit several candles, and hung a giant photo of Vin Diesel smiling from the ceiling. Seriously, there's nothing more terrifying than Vin Diesel smiling. Content with our "Atmosfear," I put the tape in the VCR and prepared myself for the fright of my life.

Nightmare comes with "Nightmare Cards," shaped like coffins, upon which the player is told to write their worst fear. It would appear the people who owned Nightmare before me were either insane, fans of the game "Taboo," or actually really scary people themselves. The first card I picked up had "RAPE" written on it as someone's worst fear. Well, fair enough. Another said "takeing (sic) a shit and getting some on my clothes." Understandable. Then there was the utterly bizarre "LOSEING (sic) LISA I LOVE LISA I NEVER WANT HER TO LEAVE ME DON'T LEAVE ME LISA XXOO" card. Finally, there was the card with swastikas all over it, which read "I HATE NIGGERS FUCKING NIGGERS WHITE POWER LOSEING (sic) LISA." I'm so glad I never had to take this guy on in Taboo.

Content with my worst fear as "RAPE," my team and I began the game. After a stupid intro, a moron with a handtowel draped across his head faded into view. He introduced himself as the "Gatekeeper" and demanded we played the game by his rules. Now, I have always led my life as dictated by people in my television, so I was no stranger to his chilling ultimatum. Whenever he randomly screamed at me (which was often), I was to reply "YES, MY GATEKEEPER!" Nothing quite says awesome like referring to a TV as "my Gatekeeper."

Now, I suppose getting older helps one realise certain things, such as THIS GAME IS REALLY FUCKING STUPID. You are limited to one hour of pain, in which you have to go around and around a poorly designed board where you must collect keys. The best way to get keys is to complete retarded challenges, such as "at 51:45, scream. If you frighten anyone, pick up a key." Once you have six keys you get to attempt to find your worst fear. Of course, it's impossible to get six keys, because everyone else keeps stealing them, and if you don't randomly draw your worst fear from the pile of cards, you're out of the game. Imagine my dismay when I, shaking with fear, picked up the "Nightmare Card" at the top of the pack only to read "LOSEING (sic) LISA I LOVE LISA I NEVER WANT HER TO LEAVE ME DON'T LEAVE ME LISA XXOO." It was so shameful, my family disowned me. Then Hitler gassed them, I guess.

The Gatekeeper doesn't really help matters either. He seems to think he's some kind of awesome guy, particularly in the part where he seductively whispered at me to come closer, closer to him, only to scream at me for getting too close! Oh Gatekeeper, you're so unpredictable! Around halfway through the game he starts getting taken over by ridiculous special effects as well, such as how a skull fades in over his face for pretty much no reason about three times. And he talks in an inexplicable French-ish accent which is actually more funny than creepy. I mean, you haven't lived until a betoweled guy with glowing green eyes screams at you about "THE BLACCKKHH HHOOOLLEE" for about the fifteenth time in the last hour in a bad French accent.

Possibly because of the Gatekeeper and his annoying ways, we didn’t complete the game in under 60 minutes, which apparently meant he won. This was around the third time a VHS tape has defeated me in some way or another over the course of my life, and I wasn’t happy about it. My gatekeeping foe appeared on the screen, announced “I have won the game, but your nightmare… has just begun!!” and then it abruptly ended. I guess I’m forced to assume then, that my worst fear of “RAPE” has come true, and that I will sometime in the near future, be raped. Well Jesus, Gatekeeper, thanks a lot. You prick.

At least my worst fear wasn’t “takeing (sic) a shit and getting some on my clothes.” That would’ve really sucked.

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