04 May 05
Your Dumbest Questions... Answered
Dean
Popular children’s
entertainment show Sticky TV has long been a bastion of information for
New Zealand’s greatest natural resource – our children!
When not perpetrating sexy makeovers on 8-year-old girls, or giving out
copies of Barbie Slumber Party Album Vol. 2 to Samoan boys who clearly
can’t afford shoes much less CD players, the Sticky TV crew offer
a very helpful segment called “Howzit”. In “Howzit”,
a crack team of preteens are assembled to fight crime and injustice all
across New Zealand – by dispensing advice to kids who write in.
The subjects of the questions posed to the “Howzit” squad
range from schoolyard crushes to stolen skateboards, and the team answer
all questions with one common characteristic – fucking stupidity.
Seriously, wouldn’t advice from a 6-year-old called “Taylar”
not only be useless, but downright harmful? It is this which drove me
to starting my own “Agony Uncle” feature, wherein I can maybe
offer intelligent advice to students with problems which plague us each
and every day!
Q: LOL hi daen! My name is Libby (Olivai), and 1 time I borowed 1 ofmy
hoodys to my freind Tasha. But the thing is she didnt’ give it bac!
So I asked her abuot it and she say she lost teh hoody! So I said ok…
but tehn the next day in town I saw her in teh hoody! She bretrayed me!!!!!111
so then I ask her gain… but she still say that shes lostit!! But
I reocghnised there pattern on ther hoody!!! IDK - wot can I do 2 get
it bac?
- Libby, Taranaki
A: Libby, I don’t know what sort of exotic
fantasy version of “Taranki” you come from, but in New Zealand
we speak a language called English. Either learn it, or refrain from sending
in shitty indecipherable letters about “hoodys”. I mean, seriously.
I splel things wrogn all teh time, but I only publish it in the Canta,
where nobody will ever read it. Don’t bother writing in again. And
regarding your question, trust me, you’re better off without your
stinking hoodie. One time I nearly got killed by a gang of blacks because
of my hoodie. That was possibly because it had a giant Swastika on it,
but I’m not sure. Plus, I was at the local mall handing out pro-slavery
leaflets at the time, which might have had something to do with it.
Q: Hi Dean! I have a big problem! Recently my wife Shelly left me, and
I remarried to a wonderful, loving woman named Beth. However, in the last
few weeks, the love between me and Shelly has rekindled, and I don’t
know what to do. Is it possible for a man to love two women at once, or
am I just scum?
- Rhys Sutherland, Summer Bay, NSW
A: Thanks for writing in, Rhys. It’s not often
I get letters from fictional Home and Away characters, but when I do,
I take notice! I’ve seen the most recent episodes of Home and Away,
and I can confidently tell you that you will leave Beth for Shelly –
it won’t be pleasant, but you’ll all survive. And plus, in
a few weeks the Bay’s resident heartthrob Noah will be shot dead
by a psychopath! Only YOU, Rhys, have the power to prevent this tragedy!
Fail not!
Q: I need advice on my mother’s boyfriend. He’s just started
going out with Mum, and when she’s not around he shows me rude photos
of naked people, and touches me in funny ways. He says it’s because
he loves me! He also said not to tell anyone, or he’d kill and mutilate
me. I’m so afraid, I don’t know what to do! My life hangs
in the balance!
- Afraid, New Plymouth
A: That’s not a question.
Q: Dear Dean – I am a male, and a big Duran Duran fan. There’s
one thing that’s always bothered me – what sex is that person
who plays the keyboard? I find him/her really hot. If it’s a man,
does that mean I’m gay? Can you tell me a bit more about them?
- Duncan, Manukau
A: This is Nick Rhodes, Duran Duran’s designated
funnyman! Born June 8, 1962, and 5’9”, with dreamy green eyes
and possibly a whopper of a vagina, he is by far the cutest Duran Duran
of all the Duran Durans! But just what sex is he? This question has been
posed to experts the world over by the Canta team. Sex and gender relations
expert Dr. David McTeague had this to say:
“Nick Rhodes is clearly a woman. I have met and spoken with him,
and conducted studies, and his uterus is about the size of a watermelon.”
However, feminist expert Prof. Lorraine McCallum had this to say on the
issue:
“Nick Rhodes is clearly a man, you idiot. His name is Nick, for
God’s sake.”
Countering Lorraine’s position in this global controversy, however,
is professional sex identifier Dr. John McKendrick:
“Nick Rhodes is as female as the day is long. In fact, he is even
kind of hot! I believe his hot blond dye-job really brings out the colour
in his ovaries.”
Still not convinced by these confusing, opposing claims, the Canta task
force went straight to the horse’s, or in this case androgynous
megastar’s, mouth! We tracked Rhodes to his London home, where he
had this to say:
“What the fuck? Leave me alone you fucking freaks! And I don’t
want to see you hanging around my kid’s school again!”
Mr. Rhodes clearly didn’t seem to want to speak to us. His tampon
was probably on too tight.
And that concludes this first, and, unless we can’t
think of any more ideas for this stupid column, quite probably last, edition
of Agony Uncle.
If you have any questions you’d like resident in-house pro expert
Dean Kilbride to answer, then please send them to thisaddressisntreal@hotmail.com
in a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Or, alternately, just write to
Sticky TV.
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