This Is Poverty.com - 11 May 05

11 May 05
Bass Lines Of The Gillette M3Power
Cam

Some people say that technology is a wonderful thing. Some people say that Whoopi Goldberg skiing topless is not arousing. And, some people say that the 80s was the decade that taste forgot. Some people are very, very wrong.

It takes only one child being playfully dangled from a balcony for Michael Jackson to be labelled crazy. And it takes only one horrible facial disfigurement, at the hands of technology, for one to turn their robotic back upon it.

Wether you’re a man, monkey, or one of the girls from ‘GreekSoc’, you will have noticed the recent introduction of a new razor from Gillette. Ponied about as the ‘M3Power’, this new razor appears to be on the cutting edge of tomorrow, today!

Having obviously done their research, the good people at Gillette realised that dragging a super sharp metal blade across your face and neck is not quite dangerous enough. Thus, this new ‘M3Power’ contains not only, as the name implies, an MP3 player, but also a motor, to provide some assistance with the usually laborious task. Until now I had assumed that the manual razor is about as ‘hi-tech’ as it can get – Unless you count Nick Carter’s costume in the Backstreet Boys’ music video ‘Larger Than Life’ as a razor. As far as I can understand, you just drag the blade across your face and surprise surprise, it cuts. There isn’t really much need for a motor in this process. The only thing I can figure a motor actually doing is somehow rocking or sliding the blades back and forth. Yet as anyone knows, dragging a blade across your skin, for example wrists, only creates deep gashes, not a baby-faced cheek. Although this may seem like a barbaric practise, it’s the only possible explanation for a motor, unless of course you can drive the razor to work – At supersonic speeds! Better lather up your Casio wristwatch, because you’re literally going to shave minutes off your travelling time.

Despite its face maiming potential, the ‘M3Power’ truly is, a groundbreaking device. Because as the name cleverly implies, the ‘M3Power’ doesn’t just shave – It also ‘rocks you out’ by playing sweet musical melodies, in the form of an MP3… ower. (‘M3Power’ is an obvious anagram for ‘MP3ower’) Although I like music while shaving, I find it quite annoying having to constantly ‘Raise the roof’ when I am attempting to do so. You see, the ‘M3Power’ comes with a selection of a particular artists music bundled in, and unfortunately, I got ’Will Smith.’ Being the music junkie that I am, I felt obliged to ‘Get Jiggy Wit It’ in time with Will2k, an action that caused me even more facial destruction than that of the slicing, powered blades - It could have also been attributed to the fact that I was using my left hand to shave, perhaps next time Ill SWITCH. I was briefly taken aghast when during a stroke Will warned me to “watch my back”- Apparently Ill never quite know where the MIB’s is at.

Interestingly enough, this marks the second time a musical superstar has threatened me, the first being the time teen songstress LeAnn Rhymes warned my that I simply could not fight the moonlight.

As you are no doubt thinking, I also wondered where this razor would draw is much needed power from. Initially I had presumed that Gillette must have hired a witch doctor who was putting a ‘power hex’ on each of the razors. However, after I did some research I realised that a witch doctor would be over-capitalizing on a crude, twelve dollar, plastic razor – Not to mention that they don’t exist. So, I decided to go straight to the horse’s mouth.

Initially I was a little confused as to how a horse was able to run a multi-national company like Gillette. This initial confusion lifted however, when after giving him the delicious kibble he had requested I bring, the horse willingly gave me the information that I so desired. You see, as it turns out, the ‘M3Power’ is driven with the use of ‘kinetic’ energy. As the horse said, while bucking wildly about the room, “Constant ‘jiving’ on the part of the shavee, due to the pumping bass lines of the MP3, creates, via the use of cutting edge kinetic technology, energy”

So now, after a rigorous shaving session, I have a fully charged razor, amazing Will Smith lyrical knowledge, and a horribly disfigured face – Although admittedly, I had the Will Smith knowledge right from the start. I don’t really recommend the Gillette ‘M3Power’ to anyone, unless your looking to have the lead role in the remake of Cher’s 18 movie ‘Mask‘ in which Cher plays mother to a horribly disfigured teenage ruffian, by the name of ‘Rocky’. Of course, with the maimed face the ‘M3Power’ achieves, its unclear wether you would play Rocky, or Cher.

In order to rouse up some interest in the new Gillette products, we will be giving away a cool Will Smith Fun-Pack. Such a fun pack includes: Will Smith audio cassette with ‘follow-along™’ story book, Will Smith colouring book with Will Smith crayons, and a Will Smith costume with matching stolen VCR. If you desire such fancies, then visit www.thisispoverty.com.

Please note: Such a fun pack does not exist. It is merely a way for us to whore our website (www.thisispoverty.com) and get much desired internet ‘hits.’ Please donate.

article archives