This Is Poverty.com - 01 Jun 05

01 Jun 05
Alert! Alert! The Music You Like Is Shit.
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It has come to my attention that not only is the current world-wide music scene utter shit, but that the majority of people like it this way. Despite this being a very articulate, well-written, and entertaining article, there are certain people who require its assistance more than others. In order to rank the level of assistance you require, I have created a short, but very accurate survey. If you answer ‘Yes’ to any of the following 3 questions, then you are not only an idiot, but urgently need ‘Musical Taste Reprogramming’.

Can you hum, sing, describe or identify any song from the musical catalogue of 50 Cent? Are you aware that ‘Moonshine’ is not only a tasty beverage, but also the latest hit single from Savage? And most pathetically, if asked, could you perform the dance steps to the Will Smith mega-hit, ‘Switch’?

If you were able to answer ‘Yes’ to any of the preceding questions, then please read on, as you life is in danger – of being shit. The following is a brief description of 3 artists you should be listening too. If you happen to think they’re crap, then you’re not only wrong, but you’re also a flagrant fool.

Duran Duran

First, a few interesting points about Duran Duran. One; For some unknown reason, Microsoft Word thinks that the second Duran in Duran Duran is a spelling mistake. Not the first, only the second. Two; Duran Duran got their name from the evil astronaut in the 1968 movie ‘Barbarella’, starring Jane Fonda. Three; As stated on the Feburary 1984 issue of ‘Rolling Stone’ magazine, Duran Duran were the original ‘Fab Five’ - A title that the 5 gentlemen from ‘Queer Eye For The Straight Guy’ have fabulously stolen. Four; In 1983, Diana - Princess Of Whales, declared Duran Duran her favorite band.

If asked, I could not possibly pick a favourite Duran Duran track. However, in the interests of simple education, I will name 3. These are ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’, ‘Girls On Film’ and ‘Ordinary World.’ If you were to ask a person which is their favourite Duran Duran track, assuming they indeed knew who Duran Duran were, they would normally pick ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ – for good reason. While not Duran’s first Number 1, ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’ is perhaps their most famous. Its ‘cutting edge’ use of hi-tech synthesisers and melodious vocals quickly propelled it to the top of the charts. Helping add to the musical success of ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’, was a dramatic, critically acclaimed music video. Shot in Sri Lanka, this video is a popular choice on the Sony Playstation2 game, ‘Singstar Party.’

Technically, Duran Duran were the first boy-band. That is unless you count the other all-male musical groups that came before them – I choose not to.

David Bowie

Everyone likes David Bowie. After all, you can only have respect for someone who makes androgyny cool. However, liking Bowie is not enough. Everyone like ‘Changes’ but that doesn’t mean you have good musical taste. Liking ‘Changes’ is merely the first step. The second step is knowing what different colours David Bowie’s eyes’ are. The second step is being able to recite the words to ‘Modern Love’, backwards. The second step is knowing exactly what scenes in ‘The Labyrinth’ feature David Bowie – from the waist down. This, as David Bowie wears a skintight leotard throughout the film, is essential when searching for the ‘Money Shot.’

In 1976 David Bowie released an album titled ‘Station To Station.’ Unfortunately, it was about this time that David Bowie made comments to ‘Playboy’ magazine praising Hitler, going on to say that “Britain could use a fascist leader”. It was due to these comments, and the brief public backlash against Bowie, that ‘Station To Station’ failed to rate well. It was unfortunate timing, as this album contained one of Bowie’s masterpieces’, ‘Golden Years’. It is also worth mention, as it adds to David’s pro-Hitler phase, that ‘Station To Station’ is often said to have been very heavily influenced by German pop music.

Luckily, to help stick with the 80s/pro-Jew theme of this article, it was in 1980 that David Bowie shed his drug/racism habit, and began to focus more on writing quality, German-free, music. As such, it was the 1980s that saw the release of ‘Under Pressure’, ‘Modern Love’ and ‘Ashes To Ashes.’ It is these 3 songs, and ‘Golden Years’ that form the basic course requirements for ‘David Bowie 101’.

Hall & Oates

There are 3 things that make this musical Duo awesome. One; they were responsible for radical chart-toppers like ‘Maneater’, ‘Rich Girl’ and ‘Kiss On My List’. Two; John Oates has a moustache to rival even Tom Sellock circa Magnum P.I. Three; they produced albums with titles such as ‘Whole Oates’, and any person who uses puns is instantly granted ‘awesome’ status. Although Daryl Hall has a stupid first name, and looks like a fierce house-cat, his soothing vocals are medicine to the ears. When this audible ‘Robitussin’ is added to the magical wailing of John Oates’ ‘axe’, it ‘lays down’ some seriously hot tracks.

The first time I really paid serious attention to Hall & Oates was when I purchased the Live Aid DVD and theirs was the only worthwhile performance on the entire forth disc. John Oates wears black cowboy boots and black leather pants, whilst strutting around stage in time with the killer ‘bass line’. Daryl Hall however, does very little. His performance consists entirely of screaming the usually melodious lyrics whilst looking like a cat. Despite this, their performance of ‘Maneater’, is pure musical heaven. This is for two reasons. One; ‘Maneater’ is too great of a song to be destroyed by a cat-like singer. Two; A cat singing is awesome.

All in all, Hall & Oates are positively brilliant. If there was to be one song chosen that would represent the 80s as a whole, it would be ‘Maneater’. Visit your local illegal file-sharing network for more!

Thus concludes your brief ‘Musical Taste Reprogramming’. For more information on any of the artists featured, please visit www.thispoverty.com - And have your credit card number ready.

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