18
May 05
Marketing Monstrosities
Tobias
When you think about it, it's pretty god damn weird that we have a set portion of our television, radio and print space allocated to advertising. I mean, just look in this magazine - you'll see like thirty advertisements for alcohol on this page alone, as if to imply all three people reading this are raging alcoholics. I know that I, being a student myself, can't get through the day without my ESO on Speights 12-packs. You know, I am a student, after all. I think advertising only really matters to pretentious marketing students who say things like "I only watch TV for the ads" or something, because they're idiots who like to watch the same thirty second clips over and over again, the majority of which are about 30% less funny than this article. It is little surprise then, that these retarded students invariably go on to make ads themselves, the current monstrosities currently gracing our televisions being the result.
11
May 05
Bass Lines Of The Gillette M3Power
Cam
Some people
say that technology is a wonderful thing. Some people say that Whoopi
Goldberg skiing topless is not arousing. And, some people say that the
80s was the decade that taste forgot. Some people are very, very wrong.
It takes only one child being playfully dangled from a balcony for Michael
Jackson to be labelled crazy. And it takes only one horrible facial disfigurement,
at the hands of technology, for one to turn their robotic back upon it.
Wether you’re a man, monkey, or one of the girls from ‘GreekSoc’,
you will have noticed the recent introduction of a new razor from Gillette.
Ponied about as the ‘M3Power’, this new razor appears to be
on the cutting edge of tomorrow, today!
04
May 05
Your
Dumbest Questions... Answered
Dean
Popular children’s
entertainment show Sticky TV has long been a bastion of information for
New Zealand’s greatest natural resource – our children!
When not perpetrating sexy makeovers on 8-year-old girls, or giving out
copies of Barbie Slumber Party Album Vol. 2 to Samoan boys who clearly
can’t afford shoes much less CD players, the Sticky TV crew offer
a very helpful segment called “Howzit”. In “Howzit”,
a crack team of preteens are assembled to fight crime and injustice all
across New Zealand – by dispensing advice to kids who write in.
The subjects of the questions posed to the “Howzit” squad
range from schoolyard crushes to stolen skateboards, and the team answer
all questions with one common characteristic – fucking stupidity.
Seriously, wouldn’t advice from a 6-year-old called “Taylar”
not only be useless, but downright harmful? It is this which drove me
to starting my own “Agony Uncle” feature, wherein I can maybe
offer intelligent advice to students with problems which plague us each
and every day!
27
Apr 05
Nightmare: The Board Game
Tobias
As a child,
there was nothing more terrifying than me than the ghoulish VHS board
game "Nightmare." Moving a little piece of coloured plastic
around a stupid looking board while an obnoxious "gatekeeper"
in my television screamed at me sent chills down my spine, and yet it
intrigued me beyond words.
Nightmare is possibly responsible for my loss of innocence, where I realised
the world wasn't all peachy keen, and all too often does the zombie Baron
Samedi seem to fall into black holes for some reason. It defined me, and
shaped the way I am today.
But like an unwanted child, I abandoned Nightmare as I grew older for
more adventurous stunts such as "The Game of Life" and "Taboo,"
in which participants must excitingly perform taboo acts for special prizes!
Of course, I always won "Taboo" by playing the "coat-hanger
abortion" card, which is like three times more powerful than supporting
Hitler. God, I ruled.
20
Apr 05
The 'This Is Poverty' Guide To Survival
Cam
Everything they didn’t teach you in high school – And probably shouldn’t have if they did.
Stuck in a
real life situation you wish there was a simple way out of?
For example, one afternoon I was talking to my retarded neighbour Nelly,
who means the best, and she asked me if I had a job. I replied, "Yes",
further telling her that I worked at a local pharmacy. This would be normal
enough, except that upon my revelation that I worked in a pharmacy she
said, "Oh, you want to be a farmer when you grow up?” Confused
and upset by what I had just heard, I shouted - as to bewilder said Nelly,
"I SHOULD GO, DINNER IS READY.” And quickly strode off.
And, luckily for me, Nelly is far too retarded to realize that it was
at that time 3pm, and dinner was by no means ready for consumption.
Although I managed to escape the situation this time it got me thinking,
what do I do if it happens again? What if I am approached while shopping
for the latest 'Boyzone' release at my local record store, and the simple
quip "dinner is ready" cannot be my saviour? The answer lies
in this - "I NEED MY INSULIN". When shouted, it provides you
with endless options for escape as you presumably hurry away to inject
your precious, precious life saving insulin.
elaborate
23 Mar 05
A Very 'Cool' Article! - Puns Used In 'Batman and
Robin'
Dean
Alarming Fact
Alert:
• 70% of all pornography ends up in the hands of children!
• In one year, a car can produce 4 times its on weight in carbon
dioxide!
• The film Batman and Robin is about the worst piece of rancid shit
ever made!
• In Batman and Robin, Mr Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has a total
screentime of 19 minutes 28 seconds.
• The movie is 1 hour and 54 minutes long, meaning that Mr Freeze
occupies roughly a sixth of the film.
• Mr. Freeze makes 35 cold-related puns in total, which means that
on average he makes a cold-related pun every 30 seconds while he’s
onscreen.
• 23 ice-puns are made by non-Mr Freeze characters. Thus, there
are a total of 58 ice-puns in the entire film, which means there is one
ice-pun made every two minutes!
As you may realise, I have devoted far too much time and energy into researching
the nature of ice-related punnery in Batman and Robin. I think there are
people who’ve put less effort into inventing electricity than I’ve
put into Batman and Robin. Most disturbing is that I watched the film
3 consecutive times in order to get the information above. Yes, I flushed
6 hours of my life down the drain thanks to this movie – and once
those 6 hours had been flushed, they were then raped in the eye-sockets
by fetid sewer rats. That’s how shitty this movie is. Even sadder,
I did all this on a Friday night, a night most “hot” teens
reserve for partying, binge-drinking, sniffing cocaine off of hookers’
tits, doing hit-and-runs on Thai students, etc.
elaborate
16 Mar 05
The 'This Is Poverty' Guide To University Life
Tobias
Recently, as
we at the This is Poverty Offices were informed, there has been an influx
of new students to the University of Canterbury. As I was new to the university
just a year ago, I know how hard it is to be starting out in this huge
intellectual battlefield. Although those of you first-years who haven't
died yet will be into your fourth week of studies by now, there may be
some things you missed out on. So if you're looking to improve your social
life, make friends, or just get some of the hottest tips from one of today’s
hottest students, read on!
Your social life at university, as we're all constantly reminded, is of
equal importance to your academic life. Indeed, it is vitally important
that you not only go out and drink copious amounts of alcohol as your
primary social activity, but that you also talk about drinking alcohol
to everyone else all the time. It's also a good idea to then send letters
into Canta whining about the lack of alcohol ads. You see, as a student,
your life is all about drinking. If you're a girl, I think it's especially
important that you talk about drinking (beer, in particular) in a brief
tirade of "girls can do it too!" empowerment.
elaborate
09 Mar 05
Rambo Wears Industrie
Cam
I will firstly
start by presuming that you have seen the movie ‘Rambo: First Blood.’
I will secondly presume that you have noticed the trend these days to
wear clothing that has been ripped, ground, shredded, torn or distressed
in some way, shape or form. I will finally, and perhaps stupidly presume,
that you in fact know ‘Rambo’ so well that you remember the
scene in such film where Sylvester Stallone (herein referred to as ‘Sly’)
wears a wickedly ripped, ground, shredded, torn and distressed wife-beater.
I will therefore presume that you put two and two together and realise
that fashion of today is merely an attempt to be like the gnarly movie
stars of the 1980’s.
Do we wear torn clothing as a means of following the latest trend, or
are we subconsciously appealing to our inner Rambo?
elaborate
02
Mar 05
Battle Of Hot: Chrisco Woman vs. Mrs Christmas
Dean
There are age-old
questions man has sought the answer to for generations. Why is the sky
blue? Is there a cure for the common cold? What happens when the new car
number plates get up to FUK? And immediately following Christmas 2004,
a new question was thrust into the New Zealand national consciousness
harder than Michael Jackson’s penis being thrust into Macauly Culkin.
This question was as follows:
Who is hotter? Mrs Christmas, or that woman off the Chrisco ads?
elaborate
23 Feb 05
Ethnocraphic Study Of The Hoodie Wearer
Tobias
Over the last
few years, possibly with the emergence of "street culture,"
I've noticed a trend developing among my fellow teenagers - the trend
of the "hoodie." Indeed, every acne-covered man and his spiky-haired
dog appear to be wearing these hoodies, and every single one of them is,
apparently, stupid. It takes a special kind of person to wear a hoodie.
The kind of person who would listen to 50 Cent, who pretends to smoke
at age 12, who gets their ear pierced (but only on the left side - the
right side is for fags!). I don't think it's a stretch to say that the
wearers of hoodies are, in fact, the scum of teenage society.
Now, before I continue, I'd just like to say that I doubt I will actually
offend anyone in this article. I mean, it's not like people who wear hoodies
can read anyway. "But dog," you say, "I can so read."
This may be the case! At least, you can read until you notice something
else, such as a moving picture in your television. Then, when you realise
you're an idiot, you can blame the media. If you're wearing a hoodie,
see if you can get through this entire article in one sitting, assuming
Jay Lagaia of Street Legal fame doesn't arrest you first. It's a challenging
challenge for the challenged!
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