This Is Poverty.com - Archives

09/08/2004
Donald, Aim, Fire.
Cam

There is a reason that crappy day time talk shows are exactly that: they’re not of high enough quality to be aired during prime time. So why TV2 chose to air the final, two-hour episode, of ‘The Apprentice’ at 7:30 on a Tuesday night is beyond me. Of course it started out pedestrian enough, ‘The Apprentice’ appeared to be the only decent reality TV show to ever air. But this façade was shattered when it was revealed, during the final moments of the series, that the entire show was an elaborate studio made hoax.

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15/07/2004
Ya Wanna Get Nuts? Lets Get Nuts!
Cam

So, you’re redecorating your home. Scratch, you’re remodelling your home. Scratch, you’re giving your home a make over. Yes, a make over. But not just any make over, an extreme makeover. Possibly from the producers of ‘Extreme Make Over’ comes, ‘Extreme Make Over: House Edition.’ There are a few things in the world that should never be given the green light. Such shows are 'Theives' starring John Stamos as a sexy cat burgular, and 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition', also starring John Stamos as a sexy cat burgular (Note: John Stamos may not actullay appear in 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition). This make over show follows the very basic recipe of home renovation shows that preceded it, with a few very major differences.

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11/07/2004
Full Throttle, Sequined Homosexual
Cam

You see a man walking down the street. He is tall and walks with confidence, struts even. He has a girl’s haircut, and a little fringe playfully hanging down onto his forehead. He is clean-shaven, has perfect skin and neatly plucked eyebrows. His body is chiselled and muscular. He is wearing a bright red top, covered in equally as bright red glitter. The top is short-sleeved, and far too small. Although coming down far enough to cover his nipples and bulging pecks, is fails to protect much of his torso, exposing a chiselled mid-section and rock hard abs. Next, he is wearing red briefs. These briefs are also red, but without glitter, and expose his defined thigh muscles, and allow for maximum movement. Below this he is wearing red, knee high boots. These boots are not covered in glitter, but instead sequins, and sparkle with every dainty step he takes. As he walks, the heels of his boots make a delicate tapping sound and his smooth skin shines in the sunlight.

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Got SXT?
06/07/2004
Cam

One finds it rather hard to type when there is a heavy stream of blood running down one's face. Most days I like to think that I'm pretty level headed. Today is not one of them.

I'll get straight to the point. I cut up my forehead in a vein attempt to be more like Harry Potter. This is not the first time I have maimed myself in order to be more like one of my favorite movie stars. I once cut off my penis. This was during the period that 'Celebrity Squares', hosted by Whoopi Goldberg, was screening on TV 2. Obviously the reason for cutting of my genitals was to be more like the then queen of style, Whoopi. Of course, it turns out now the only thing I needed to do to be like Whoopi was to paint my skin black, black as night. This is because Whoopi infact has a penis of her very own, stolen from her co-star Bruce Vilanch. At any rate, I am a sucker for pop culture. In a crude attempt to jump the pop culture gun, I will make a prediction to the next major mobile technology introduced by Vodafone: SXT.

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30/06/2004
Kerre Woodman Has A Mass Debate
Cam

9:30 The Great Debate: One-off special in which two teams debate the question: "That we are an idle nation, not a nation of idols". Arguing for the affirmative are Ginette McDonald, Oliver Driver and Rebecca Hobbs, while Craig Parker, Kerre Woodham and Raybon Kan argue for the negative. Judges are Paul Holmes, Suzanne Paul and Paul Ellis, with the ultimate result decided by the studio audience. 97653

Going into the viewing of this locally produced television special I was expecting something of similar quality to the obscene 'State of the Nation'. I was largely mistaken. The Great Debate was highly entertaining and for the most part was high quality television viewing. But however, no one is interested in hearing me praise the rapport of Jason Gunn and Ginette McDonald. So, I will instead rant about several things that were far sluttier than Mrs. Claus after a keg full of Egg Nog.

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27/06/2004
I'm Not Really A Celebrity
Cam

I'm not sure at what point it was decided that the new series of 'Celebrity Treasure Island' would not in fact be a reality show about finding delicious treasures, but rather an almost complete rip off of the shit house American TV series 'Fear Factor’. Whenever this point was, it can be noted in history as the exact point in which TV2 finally took the last plunge to the murky depths of whore-ness that only few TV networks have reached. For knowledge sakes, such TV networks are: Freedom TV, CTV, TV 1 and the Maori Channel.

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17/06/2004
Down Down Down, Down To Syndrome Town
Cam

Via my research I have come to realize a very important fact about people with Down Syndrome: They do not use, nor are allowed to handle money, in particular coins (You have never seen a person with Down Syndrome with a coin. Ever.) I guess one would firstly assume that this is because of the common knowledge that a person with Down Syndrome (herein referred to as 'downs') is similar to a blackbird, which is attracted to anything shiny. To explain the 'downs' not being allowed to handle coins: As money is both shiny and small enough to fit into ones mouth, 'downs' have been barred from handling coinage due to public fear of mass 'downs' choking. As the 'downs' would undoubtedly suck on their precious golden coins in a vain effort to obtain the precious 'Power Of The Obia' they believe is hidden within.

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15/6/2004
Steppin' Out? Step Out In Style - Duffy Style
Cam

What ever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV? I'll tell you what happened, 'Flipside', 'Home & Away', 'Everybody Loves Raymond' & '5:30 With Jude' happened.

Early evening TV has gone down hill in a serious way ever since 'Step By Step' was cancelled after a glorious 6 year run. Although perhaps lesser known than the mega-hit 'Full House' that propelled Bob Saget, Marykateandashley (Correct Spelling) Olsen & Dave Coulier to super-stardom, 'Step By Step' was by far the greatest, gnarliest, most far-out mid 90's TV show ever. Starring already established mega-stars such as Patrick Duffy (Star of TV's 'Dallas') and Suzanne Somers (Star of nothing but yet a common household name - like Robert Rakete, mentioned below in all his penis loving glory), 'Step By Step' was destined to be a smash hit. And boy, did it deliver.

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11/6/2004
The State of State of the Nation
Cam

There is only one thing in this world that is sure to bring about high ratings:

Kerri Woodham , Robert Rakete & Anita McNaught poncing around a poorly built (read: crackwhore) studio asking equally as poncy yet very ill informed New Zealanders their position on a high profile issue, in this case, The Treaty of Waitangi and the Maori Foreshore debate.

Kerri is as good at hosting a TV show as she is at creating catchy TV show slogans ('Ready, Steady, Cook'): Fucking Crap. I'm not sure whether she thought that she was the sole host of this particular show or whether she felt that since her last television project (again, 'Ready, Steady, Cook') was cancelled that she was deserved the extra media limelight (Excluding the time she and her equally as plump daughter were on the cover of 'Woman's Day' after they had fallen ill from eating month old Rice Pudding they had found lodged behind the household microwave-oven because it 'just looked so tasty'). But either way, she undeservedly stole the show from such brilliant media folly as Anita McNought and televisions bastard love child, Robert Rakete.

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